Bird Dream

This may be a mental process that is unique to me, but I feel like I need to come to a crisis. I am still up and at the computer at 12:58 a.m. That may not sound so late, but I know I will have trouble forcing myself to get up in the morning. I am pretty wired and it will be an hour or more before I can settle into sleep. This morning I let the alarm--tuned to talk radio--run out its hour and I remained in bed. Then I had a dream that woke me to tears. It included the demise of a pet bird--death by reckless treatment at the hands of a member of my family. My thought process did not improve upon waking. I ruminated over resentments, a total waste of time and effort. Something is going on and I cannot recognize what I need to do to get through the current mood. I am staying busy. I plan at least a couple tasks/errands each day and I am reading two books, a mystery and a drawing instruction book. That last involves exercises with pencil and paper that I am enjoying. I fear my current state is one of those situations I will not understand until I have weathered the storm. Why can I not step outside of myself and observe? If a friend were having these difficulties, I would probably be able to offer advice. Now that I write this, I realize that my reaction to the dream was not so much sadness over the bird's death but it was rather my frustration that someone in the dream did not understand my being upset.
So, are birds symbolic? Should I be perusing Jung?

Some More on Christmas P.M.

With children letting dogs out of cages, fighting over the one oversized Nerf gun, and running in and out of the 20 degree weather with no attention to door closing, Bevin, my 27 year old daughter, who is childless and usually willing to ignore others' children, stood up at the table where she had been seated and asked, " Should I be in charge of applying corporal punishment?" It was so appropriate. Many of the adults in the room had been wishing they could smack one or more of the over stimulated monsters, all except the parents of course. And my 24 year old daughter Colleen, also unmarried and childless, proceeded to drink at least 6 glasses of wine. Her debriefing about the whole situation when we got back to my house was pretty succinct as well. And the gift exchange for the adults was basically reach in the box and pick something. I have to admit we just gave out Bread Company gift cards. Maybe we should rethink the whole concept and go bowling.

Christmas and Blahs

Now for the post-Christmas blahs. I thought I had some of the holiday rush issues licked this year. While I was recuperating from the second knee surgery, I crocheted and sewed some of the gifts, and I did both early antique mall shopping and timely online purchasing. But I neglected to consider the physical efforts involved with a son graduating on the 18th of December and preparation for the annual Christmas open house which fell this year on the 23rd. Then there was the anxiety of the gift opening. Will everyone be pleased? Were we fair in distribution among the kids? Will the grandkids like what I made? At least Christmas Eve Mass was calming. We sat in the 2nd pew--Terry and I did not fit in the 3rd with the rest of the family. Coats and sleeping children take up lots of room:) No one else sat as far forward as we, so it was very like the Mass and the readings were directed to us. It was a thoughtful high point to the holiday. After Communion, I went to the back of church and took the sleeping Leo to relieve Bridgett for a moment. I could not describe better than she did (in South City Musings) how peaceful the new cry room area is. With child gates instead of glass, it seems less removed than more traditional cry rooms. And it's downright comfy. Then was the frenzy of gift opening at our house and another late night. I have to admit that everyone at least appeared happy with the seasons spoils.

Tired and slipping into anticlimax mode, Terry and I took Bevin and Colleen to Terry's sister Paula's house on Christmas afternoon. That was exceedingly uncomfortable for me, and I am still not sure what it was about the gathering that disturbed me. The truth is probably that there were many things. Terry's mom is still recovering from a year of terrible health problems. She is better than in July or September, but she is not nearly back to her level of activity at this time last year. There are also old issues that I believe I am more cognizant of now than ever before. Three of Terry's brothers were MIA, each with personal and family reasons. The children who were there, the under 12 year old set, are not so like the generation before. A couple are feral, and others have so much baggage at a young age that their behavior is bizarre. And the adults all looked more than a year older than they did this time last year. Again, I may just be more aware of the change. My current drug regimen does not numb me as some of the previous cocktails did.

After all of the rest of the pleasant events, including a highly successful party, I keep coming back to the ennui of Christmas afternoon. Maybe it is only fatigue and being alone with my thoughts. I think I will get busy, go to Target, maybe buy a pocket calendar for 2010. That should help.

Karma?

What exactly was I thinking when I began this blog? I want to be at least a little into the 21st century. I like to write for cathartic reasons. Two of my daughters have blogs. I need one more thing to hang over my head so I can feel uneasy about not getting to it. Maybe I could show off what a swell writer I can be. Is at least one of those a good reason? HMMMMM.
Recovery from knee replacement sucks. Pain fools you and your mind can go to places it probably shouldn't. I have done a lot of thinking about death and about how alone I am in the universe although I have a husband, four children and their spouses or significant others, four grandchildren, various aunts and uncles and cousins, and at least a hand full of friends. Funny thing about pain that keeps you from sleeping is that none of those warm beings bring comfort because they are either not present or irritatingly asleep and thus removed. Self pity, on the other hand, is omnipresent at 3 a.m.
Most of the major experiences, as well as a few minor ones, in my life have come with LESSON written all over them. Whose pain have I not comforted? To whom have I shown impatience rather than sympathy or empathy? The person who leaps to mind is my mom. I cannot fix that now--she is over 10 years dead. Maybe this is what karma means. I get to experience some of the pain I did not acknowledge. I have to deal with my own and it makes me realize I could have been better with her. And now I want to fix it but cannot. Maybe I can reach out to someone else. I will have to be wary. People have reached out to me but I have not trusted enough to believe their sincerity. More family of origin issues.
As I write this, tears well up in my eyes. Some of that is fatigue and some of it is allowing myself to feel.

I have taken a vacation of sorts from the blog. After this 2nd knee replacement (the 1st was back in July) I have avoided the computer. Its location on the 2nd floor makes it difficult to just casually use when it is so hard to maneuver the steps. I also was feeling a nagging antipathy toward all things technological. I have joined Facebook, have an email account, and I occasionally blog, all of which sound like good ideas. However, Facebook has come with invitations to Mafia Wars and requests for Farmville while the email account includes some newsletters I should probably drop. They tend to aggravate more than inform. At the same time, the blogging began to feel like an obligation. None of that sounds like fun, does it? On the other hand, I suffer from chronic depression and the pain after surgery certainly did not help. Writing would be a possible relief. Anyone out there who has experienced clinical depression knows that opportunities for relief are not necessarily the choices a depressed person makes.
So here I am after being away for awhile. The currently prescribed antidepressant, Pristiq, seems effective as a leveling agent and we are into the cold of winter, something I enjoy. The house has grown messy during my recovery from surgery, so I am plunging into long overdue vacuuming today--things like baseboards. That should cheer me. Maybe after a few hours of housework, technology and computing will look oh-so-much better.