Honesty

So why is honesty the best policy? There is always the moral consideration, but I vote for simplicity. Keeping track of lies wears out the liar. Some may view lying as a challenging game, but the stakes get higher and higher, and I do not relish the possible embarrassment. As a teacher, I would find a few truthful explanations so refreshing instead of the tired, old and often lame excuses. Even originality does not impress me when I consider what the lie is doing to the person making up the excuse. I remember fondly a game show called Truth or Consequences, not so much for the format as for the title. It might be fun to live by that motto.

Application

In order to present myself in my best light when applying for a job, I must convince myself that I have a very real chance of landing the position. I have to want it, be passionate about it, see myself as the person performing it. In the meantime, I must continue on the job I already have, the one that now seems so unsatisfactory. I submit a long application, a personality questionnaire, my resume, a letter. I interview with administration and also with a committee of peers. During the one-on-one, I again answer personality questions. The committee asks more job related questions, but sometimes it is difficult to detect the nuances they expect. I try not to second guess. Instead, I go with what comes to mind and I give each meeting my all. I think the interview has been positive, but then I thought the same about that previous position. I was so comfortable, but someone else was hired. When I inquired, the director pointed out that my specific experience was not enough. Did they really need to get my hopes up to discover that the experience on my resume was lacking? Did they enjoy my performance?

But I must protest too much. Whoever gets the job has to jump through the same hoops. It's all part of the loosely choreographed dance that continues into the relationships once employment occurs. Allowing my optimism to slip away does no one any good. Like getting in shape for a sport, if I choose to seek a new job, then I will go through the required motions with the expected attitude.

Ebb

My emotional energy is at an ebb. I read posts by blowhard academics and instead of reacting in anger or going on a student centered tirade, I just have a generalized, "So what?" That is much of my life right now. "So what." I hesitate to share that with anyone in particular. I would not want to be the one to bring gloom into someone's life. But even the smiling comes hard these days. I need a dose of grandchildren. I need at least one of them around the corner night and day. Is this heavy sadness the simple truth I have sought? Even the irony holds no charm. And I begin again. Some piece of beauty floats my way and I manage to be awed. Then the untethered loveliness dissipates and I am amazed at the weight of the air around me. Some thing is naggingly unfinished, maybe a family curse to never quite know what it is.

Perfecting People

I perused a book last night. War Against the Weak was written by a journalist, Edwin Black I believe, about eugenics. The topic was not entirely new to me. I was interested in some of the connections he claimed to make between the movement and the Carnegie and Rockefeller foundations. There were other claims and suggestions, but something I found puzzling was a current that went through some of the leaders' proclamations. They were against helping the downtrodden(sp?), the disadvantaged and impoverished. Without charity, they reasoned, the true fittest would survive and the least worthy would die off as a breed. That odd conclusion was coming from elite and sometimes even intelligent sources like Margaret Sanger, although I might want to further check the citation. But recently I saw something on the Neanderthals in Europe and there, as with other anthropological studies I have read, marking a species as human rather than animal had everything to do with compassionate charity. Finding skeletal remains of members who must have been cared for in order to live as long as they did proved their humanity. What an interesting circle of thought. Survival of the fittest may have something to do with evolution but eugenic theory certainly tips toward devolution.