Ebb

My emotional energy is at an ebb. I read posts by blowhard academics and instead of reacting in anger or going on a student centered tirade, I just have a generalized, "So what?" That is much of my life right now. "So what." I hesitate to share that with anyone in particular. I would not want to be the one to bring gloom into someone's life. But even the smiling comes hard these days. I need a dose of grandchildren. I need at least one of them around the corner night and day. Is this heavy sadness the simple truth I have sought? Even the irony holds no charm. And I begin again. Some piece of beauty floats my way and I manage to be awed. Then the untethered loveliness dissipates and I am amazed at the weight of the air around me. Some thing is naggingly unfinished, maybe a family curse to never quite know what it is.