Karma?

What exactly was I thinking when I began this blog? I want to be at least a little into the 21st century. I like to write for cathartic reasons. Two of my daughters have blogs. I need one more thing to hang over my head so I can feel uneasy about not getting to it. Maybe I could show off what a swell writer I can be. Is at least one of those a good reason? HMMMMM.
Recovery from knee replacement sucks. Pain fools you and your mind can go to places it probably shouldn't. I have done a lot of thinking about death and about how alone I am in the universe although I have a husband, four children and their spouses or significant others, four grandchildren, various aunts and uncles and cousins, and at least a hand full of friends. Funny thing about pain that keeps you from sleeping is that none of those warm beings bring comfort because they are either not present or irritatingly asleep and thus removed. Self pity, on the other hand, is omnipresent at 3 a.m.
Most of the major experiences, as well as a few minor ones, in my life have come with LESSON written all over them. Whose pain have I not comforted? To whom have I shown impatience rather than sympathy or empathy? The person who leaps to mind is my mom. I cannot fix that now--she is over 10 years dead. Maybe this is what karma means. I get to experience some of the pain I did not acknowledge. I have to deal with my own and it makes me realize I could have been better with her. And now I want to fix it but cannot. Maybe I can reach out to someone else. I will have to be wary. People have reached out to me but I have not trusted enough to believe their sincerity. More family of origin issues.
As I write this, tears well up in my eyes. Some of that is fatigue and some of it is allowing myself to feel.